My story

Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm an addict; but probably not the sort of addict that you are used to hearing about. I'm a food addict. I LOVE food! As a result of this addiction and my laziness to change my behaviors, I'm overweight; not just overweight but obese. I'm a 5'3, 210 pound wife and mother of three beautiful daughters. I ask myself over and over how I have let myself get this way but to tell you the truth, I don't know. I guess it might have all started when I was born, but how did I let it get to this extreme?

My parents are divorced. My mother and step-father are both severely overweight, but weren't always that way. They both worked full-time jobs and us kids (4 of us) ate fast food almost every night. If it wasn't fast food, it was huge helpings of spaghetti or frozen fried chicken. Vegetables consisted of canned green beans and canned corn. Fruits were bananas or sometimes apples. It wasn't that we were poor, it was just easier that way. I had never had a problem with my weight when I was younger. For that matter neither did any of my siblings. I would have considered myself big-boned. I was 14, 140 pounds, with a big chest. I was popular. When I turned 15, I found out I was pregnant. I, of course, was scared out of my mind. How would I continue to do well in school? How would I take care of my daughter financially? It never entered my mind to give her up for adoption or let my parents take care of her. She was my daughter and I didn't care how I would do it but I would be the best mother I could be at such a young age. It never crossed my mind that I would gain 60 pounds during that pregnancy. I never gave a second thought to eating what my parents served. My mom would bring me home frosties every night because that is what I craved. When I went into the hospital to give birth to my daughter, I was a sophomore in high school and 196 pounds.

I quickly started working at a fast food restaurant to pay for my daughter's expenses. I was going to school during the day, working at night, doing homework, and any time that I had to spare was going to caring for my daughter. For some reason, I always told myself that I didn't want my daughter eating fast food and drinking soda all the time. I bought her fresh fruit and vegetables at the grocery store. I made her lunch and breakfast everyday before school. All the while, I was shoving down hamburgers, french fries, and gallons of soda every day. When I was 18, my daughter and I moved out on our own. Fresh out of high school, I promised myself that I would continue going to college and provide a good and healthy home for my daughter. I was so naive. Life happens. Bills become more important than going to college. I worked 50 hours of weeks as a manager for the same fast food company. I ate fast food 3 to 4 times per day. At one point I think I was consuming over 2000 calories just in soda every day. My daughter ate the same crap. It was so much easier than coming home and cooking dinner. I would just bring food home from work. My weight fluctuated a lot in those days, but I stayed pretty consistent in the 190's.

I met my husband in the summer of '07. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was actually the smallest I had been in a long time. I think I was about 179 lbs. He was a vegetarian and not used to eating fast food at all. I had quit my manager position at this point and was home almost every night with my daughter. I started cooking vegetarian meals for my then boyfriend. This experience introduced me to many vegetables that I had always thought were disgusting. I started to enjoy cooking and making new recipes. I was never a very good vegetarian though and as time passed my then boyfriend started to eat meat. As I grew comfortable in the relationship, we both gained weight that we had lost back. We got married in June 2008. I was about 199 pounds then. I maintained this weight for awhile. In August 2008, we were trying to conceive. I found out that I had HPV (which was hard news) and had to have surgery to remove the cancerous cells. After that whole ordeal, we quickly realized that I was not ovulating at all. My doctor prescribed me clo.mid which only worked after taking 150 mg (the highest amount my doctor would prescribe), did an IUI, and BAM! twins!

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I vowed that I would not stay in the 200's. I vowed to eat healthy and give my kids the best start to life. Man, is it hard to keep those promises when you are starving with twin babies growing rapidly and depleting all your nutrients! I found myself eating McD's at least 3-4 times per week. I stopped cooking because it would make me nauseaous. When I had the babies, I was 234 pounds. Pretty good if you ask me, only 35 lb weight gain, though my doctor only wanted me to gain 10. I breastfed my twins for a couple of months and it was amazing to see how the weight just melted off. Two week PP, I was down to my 199. 4 weeks, I was down to 189. That didn't last long. And here I am today.

I weigh 210 lbs. My 10 year old daughter weighs 90 lbs (at risk for obesity), my husband weighs 230 lbs (overweight as well). My 17 month old twins are perfect of course, no one can have overweight babies! :) In the past 17 months, I have started a diet at least 4 times, each time lasting for about a month, and then failing. Once I hit that plateau, its over. I went to the doctor on Friday. My husband is ready to have another baby. He wants to try for a boy. Even though, I am not sure that I am ready, I went to see what I can to regulate my periods and conceive on my own. What my doctor said devastated me. She told me that I was too fat (well basically but you get the picture). She said that even if I lost 10% of my body weight, I might still be too big to conceive without the help of clo.mid. I walked out of that office crying. How could I do this to myself? How could I get to this point? How could I let my daughters be at risk of having the same problems I do? It's not fair and it had to stop!

So here I am. 2 days in on my diet and already thinking about quitting. It's hard. I'm hungry. I just want to eat, sleep, and eat some more. I don't know what I want out of this blog, but I just felt like writing it. Here I will journal my successes, my failures, and hopefully inspire others like me to take control. I will not let a food addiction stop me from having the family I want. I will not let this food addiction effect my children. I will not let my laziness effect my children. It cannot happen. So here I am-what you see is what you get.